Buzzfeed wrote this list called, “25 Things Every Grown-Ass Adult Should Have.” I decided to see how closely I came to their definition of “adult.” (Note — it didn’t go well.)
1. An Expanding File Folder
Okay, if I wanted to commute an hour everyday, carry a briefcase and own an expanding file folder, I’d just become my dad. Have you never heard of Google Drive? Or, like,
2. A Working Printer
42 percent of the reason I have a job is so that I have access to an actual, working printer. But I would sooner share a room with my neighbor’s pesky child than waste precious space with those dinosauric machines.
3. Things Hung Upon the Walls
Framing a picture of you and your backstabbing sorority sister has no say in whether or not you’re an adult.
4. A Simple Tool Kit & a Drill
A drill?! I’d have to buy extra insurance for possessing a dangerous weapon.
5. A Workable To-Do List & Calendar
Wake up. Drink coffee. Type things. Go to bed. Okay, next?
6. A Broom
Swiffers are like, way better.
7. A Fireproof Box
This isn’t The Fast and the Furious. I don’t think that’s necessary.
8. Extra Unopened Toothbrushes
Wouldn’t he get the wrong idea?
9. A Glue Gun
This is surely a fire hazard. And remember, I don’t have the fireproof box.
10. Reusable Latex Gloves
How many times can we reuse them? A whole year, right? That’s how long mine have lasted.
11. A Sponge Holder
My sponge doesn’t need to be babied.
12. A “Just Got Home” Routine
Unless it’s, “Immediately shed your pants and eat something,” I don’t want to hear it.
13. A Plunger
I GUESS this is important. I mean, I have one. I only bought it after my toilet had an emergency though.
14. The Names and Numbers of Professional Problem-Solvers
My dad. Next!
15. Flashlights and/or Candles + Matches*
Again, fire hazard…
16. The Name of Your City Councilperson
17. A Stash of Cards + Stamps
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF EMAIL?!
18. Cloth Napkins
If I want cloth napkins I will go to my grandma’s house.
19. The Name of Your Police Precinct and the Non-Emergency Number
20. A Plant — That You Actually Know How to Take Care of
21. The Name & Number of the Nearest 24-Hour Emergency Vet
Easy — animal control.
22. A Library Card
Okay, maybe. But I’ll never return my books on time.
23. The Name of at Least One of Your Neighbors
You mean, ‘Ugly Naked Guy?’
24. A Spot to Meet in the Event of a Fire
Somewhere away from the fire.
25. Velvet No-Slip Hangers That Match
You think I own clothes that need to be hung? Lolz.