Starbucks has finally outdone themselves—and not necessarily in a good or tasty way. The coffee giant has announced not one, not two, but SIX new frappuccino fan flavors for people who prefer a stomach-turning cocktail of sickly sweet ingredients as opposed to actual caffeine.
Starting today and for a limited time only, we can “enjoy” the new flavor lineup that includes: Cupcake, Cotton Candy, Red Velvet Cake, Cinnamon Roll, Caramel Cocoa Cluster, and Lemon Bar. Hear that? That’s the sound of my blood sugar weeping as it rises to stratospheric levels.
The six flavors were inspired by the requests most often made by what I can only assume are the brand’s most annoying customers. Customers are encouraged to vote in an actual contest named the Frappuccino Flav-Off, which takes place June 19-30. (Mental note: do not participate in this if you value your overall health.) The winning flavor will be announced on July 3, and customers will enjoy a discounted price of $3 a drink between July 3 and 6 (but only from 2p.m. to 5 p.m.). Note to Starbucks: please include less numbers (or, you know, restrictions) in your future flavor campaigns.
So, key takeaways? Starbucks has given us all a line of flavors your standard three-year-old would kill to taste test, and you’ll basically have to light your bank account on fire to pay for the privilege of developing several cavities as a result of consuming them. I think I speak for everyone (or at least the reasonable coffee-drinking adults among us) when I say that I can find better ways to both spend $4.75 and consume 510 calories.